Before I wrote this post I spoke to my mother on the phone. During the call I asked her if she had ever taken part in a heated argument with another mother regarding her choices in how she raised both me and my brother. Her response was: “Of course not. It wasn’t anyone else’s business.” to which I replied. “Exactly.”
I’m going to preface this post by stating that I have no desire to have children. I like children, but I enjoy having them over there, you know away from me. I do not think lowly of mothers or those that do desire to reproduce, and if you are a mother more power to you! You have more patience and grace than I can ever hope to have. Children just aren’t my cup of screaming (but adorable) tea.
However, this does not mean that I do not have opinions about parenting. Oh, I can hear it now: “You can’t say anything about raising children because you aren’t a mother!” So I’ll repeat that I have my own opinions, and that I am entitled to them (even if they are wrong) just like you are. I respect all my reader’s rights to believe in what they choose, but imagine that your opinions are like your genitals; please do not attempt to shove them in my face or down my throat, it really isn’t going to make me like them any better, and quite frankly I doubt either one of us will feel particularly happy after the exchange.
I will state that my opinions are formed from three different forms of data gathering which are: Personal experience (the way in which I was raised); Observation (watching how friends and family raise their children); and research (reading about how others… well you get my drift). These opinions stem from a mixture of personal feelings, and what I have seen work with children, and parenting techniques that I have seen going horrendously wrong. I’m not attempting to offer any parenting advice (because I will agree that as I am not a parent, I have absolutely no right to give out any type of parenting advice whatsoever!) but after reading about several different parenting topics, I have certainly formed my own opinions about some rather touchy subjects.
A nipple in the mouth is worth two in the… wait…
Lets use my stance on breastfeeding as an example. While many mothers agree that breast is best, most mothers are often told to stop breastfeeding their children at a very young age (several young mothers I know personally were instructed to cease breastfeeding at two weeks to 1 month by their healthcare professionals) I was shocked when I heard this. At minimum (according to the American Academy of Pediatrics) you should breastfeed your child for at least 1 year before considering weaning your child.
Despite the fact that breastfeeding is known to be best for infants, many doctors push new mothers to formula much to soon. These doctors don’t just toe the line when speaking to these mothers and giving half truths, they are blatantly lying by telling mothers that formula is just as good if not better than breast milk.
Human milk is species-specific, and all substitute feeding preparations differ markedly from it, making human milk uniquely superior for infant feeding.¹
Don’t get me wrong though: I fully support a mother’s choice to not breastfeed her child at all. It is the miseducation of stressed out mothers who trust their medical professional to give them correct advice that I have a problem with. But the choice to breastfeed your child? I think that is entirely up to the mother. I don’t believe you are harming your child by not breastfeeding (I wasn’t breastfed and I didn’t turn out to be a murdering nut-job, my brain works fine, and I’m healthy as a horse) and despite the idea that breast is best, some children can’t handle breast milk.
My mother tried to breast feed with my older brother, but his stomach simply did not want to digest the milk properly and he wasn’t putting on weight, once he was switched to formula he was fine. So when my mother had me, she decided that it would be best to just forgo breastfeeding altogether instead of risking the health of her infant. Was she wrong to do that? Absolutely not! She made a choice regarding how to raise her child, and she made an educated decision. Did she know the benefits of breast milk vs. formula and take advantage of any research that was available in 1987? Of course she did, and she made a decision that was best for her and her family.
Not breastfeeding me has not made me detached or anti-social, and not having the ‘bonding experience of nursing’ never resulted in me not being close to my mother. I never had health problems while I was an infant/toddler (with the exception of a single ear infection), and I developed just fine.
Facing the firing squad…
A mother has to sit down and decide what is best for her family and her child. It’s a hard decision, I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like to have the lives of human beings held in my hands, and I certainly can’t begin to understand what a mother goes through when weighing the pros and cons of things such as CIO (crying it out) or sleep training their child. Being a mother is not only stressful, but it can also be lonely, and many mothers reach out to the internet in the form of blogs as a way to connect with others, share their experience, and discuss the trials and heart wrenching concerns they face.
And what are these mothers met with when they present a reasonable argument for why they make the decisions they do? Harassment, finger pointing, and rabid accusations that they are terrible mothers. In the linked post a mother explains that she has decided to use the Cry it Out method on her child, in increments of 15 minutes in an attempt to teach her child to self soothe and fall asleep on her own. She states quite clearly that she isn’t neglecting the child (15 minutes of crying is not going to destroy your infant’s development), she is simply letting the infant get over a small tantrum on her own.
The baby has been fed, the baby has been changed, the baby has been recently cuddled and loved on and is then laid down in it’s crib and is upset at being put down.
Where is the child abuse in this scenario?
There is a drastic difference between leaving your 8 week old alone in a crib for 8 hours because you don’t want to deal with it, and leaving your 8 week old laying down for 15 minutes and establishing a understanding of “Just because Mommy is leaving for a minute does not mean she is gone forever. Laying by yourself isn’t going to cause you harm.”
And instead of lending a sympathetic ear, or offering at least a token of understanding, mothers with different points of view attack one another (in varying degrees of literacy) screaming about child abuse (when there is none) and undercutting any self confidence a mother might have about her decision. This happens so often that these exchanges have been titled “Mommy Wars” and apparently have become so popular that many parenting blogs are begging for them to stop.
In truth it is an age old argument. Women have been telling other women tips and tricks regarding the absolute best way to raise their children even if the advice was never solicited in the first place. Everyone always knows exactly how every child ever should be raised because their method worked for them. What used to happen was a woman would smile, nod as she heard the advice, and more than likely discard it. But the exchange would have been a polite one.
Now we have mothers screaming at one another, throwing slurs such as “Refrigerator Mother,” and talking about how cruel and unfeeling a mother is because she made a hard decision for her family and has chosen to stick by it.
To all of the mothers who think they have a right to challenge another mother’s decision I have only one question: At what point did pushing a child out give you authority over the entire universe?
So here is where my overarching parenting opinion comes into play. If you can’t look at what another mother is doing and accept the fact that she is doing what is best for her child – even if it is something you don’t personally believe in – and then attack that mother, you are the one who is the bad mother. Simply because you are teaching your child to be a judgmental, close-minded bigot.
Which I guarantee you, will cause much more harm to your child in the long run than letting it cry for 15 minutes before falling asleep.
- Hambraeus L, Forsum E, Lo¨nnerdal B. Nutritional aspects of breast milk and cow’s milk formulas. In: Hambraeus L, Hanson L, MacFarlane H, eds. Symposium on Food and Immunology. Stockholm, Sweden: Almqvist and Wiksell; 1975